December 28, 2010

My New Year's Resolution Is...

Starring the TNA Roster

My New Year's resolution is...

-Abyss- to lose some weight and to stop using thumbtacks, broken glass, barbwire, Bob, Janice, etc, because my hardcore spots have been played out for years.

-AJ Styles- to remember that I'm a 4-time world champion, stop concerning myself with a 2nd tier belt, get in Jeff Hardy's face, tell him that I'm better than him and always have been, and win back my world heavyweight title.

-Amazing Red- to slap Jeff Jarret in the @#$%ing face, show him a huge wad of money and tell him that this is something TNA will never see as long as he insists on burying great young talent that should be leading this company like me and Samoa Joe.

-Angelina Love- to stay out of the singles title picture and focus on making the Knockout tag titles relevant. It might be an impossible task, but someone's got to do it.

-Beer Money- to retire the beer-bottle-to-the-head-as-a-way-of-winning-matches gimmick because it's been done to death.

-Brian Kendrick- to get a translater so people can understand what the hell I'm saying when I cut promos.

-Brother Devon- to invent a time machine, go back several months and retire after Turning Point like I said I would so I can end my wrestling career on a high note and not tarnish my legacy with a singles run that no one is interested in seeing.

-Bully Ray- to offer to pay for the flux capacitor* if Brother Devon will take me with him.

-Chelsea- to stop ruining Desmond Wolfe's career by constantly causing him to lose matches just by standing at ringside.

-Christy Hemme- to call Lauren Brooke and ask her to teach me how, as a backstage interviewer, I can participate in storylines without it coming across as contrived and silly.

-Cookie- to stay out of the ring, kick Robbie to the curb and find a boyfriend who isn't a damn cartoon character.

-D'Angelo Dinero- to never have another stupid-as-hell casket match ever again.

-Daffney- to bug Don West relentlessly until there is a 'Zombie Hot' t-shirt available on

-Desmond Wolfe- to get my health issues squared away so I can make my return to television and London Brawling can get our long awaited tag team title shot.

-Dixie Carter- to finally get it through my head that the current creative team is just not getting the job done and hire some writers who know what they're doing.

-Douglas Williams- to remove any and all evidence that I was ever associated with Rob Terry.

-Eric Bischoff- to stop taking up so much screen time and let more wrestlers get over on me.

-Eric Young- to stop acting like a crackhead mental patient.

-Generation Me- to win more matches than we did this year, find a good manager, and most importantly, get some ring gear that doesn't look like it was designed by a blind person.

-Gunner & Murphy- to give up trying to make it as wrestlers because we obviously have no talent and find some other line of work.

-Hernandez- to realize that I'm probably better off main eventing in AAA than I was lost in midcard oblivion in TNA, and ask Dixie to let me out of my contract.

-Hulk Hogan- to realize that I don't need to be on television to be an ambassador for TNA and tell the writers not to bother writing me back into the storylines if/when my back heals because I do nothing but take screen time away from the young talent and I haven't drawn ratings anyway.

-Ink Inc- to figure out what the holdup is with management bringing in Christina Von Eerie to be our manager and fix the problem ASAP.

-Jay Lethal- to get out of the X-division because I'm apparently cursed to never, ever have good runs with the X-division title.

-Jeff Hardy- to motivate myself to put on good matches with someone other than Kurt Angle and Rob Van Dam. Also, to stay clean and out of prison.

-Jeff Jarret- to either start putting young talent over or just admit to myself that I'm wasting everyone's time, get off TV and take a backstage role.

-Jeremy Borash- to give Mike Tenay the Furley Eyes nonstop until he relents and gives me a shot as lead announcer.

-Kazarian- to not only win the X-division title from the cursed champion, Jay Lethal, but to hold it for a long time, defend it often in great, well-booked matches against credible opponents and make the X-division actually mean something again (hey, a man can dream, can't he?).

-Ken Anderson- to get medically cleared to return to the ring and so we can put an end to this concussion storyline, which was something interesting to try, but I don't think it's working as well as we thought it would and it's starting to feel kind of monotonous.

-Kevin Nash- to never darken wrestling fans' television screens ever again.

-Kiyoshi- to tell the writers that the Suicide gimmick is stupid.

-Kurt Angle- to explain to Jeff Jarret and the writers that outright mocking the sport of mixed martial arts will NOT get MMA fans to watch iMPACT.

-Madison Rayne- to go to the writers and admit to them that we all tried our damnedest to make this work, but I'm just not cut out to be the top heel Knockout, and encourage them to put Sarita in my spot to see if she can do better so I can go back to the midcard where I belong.

-Magnus- to never again job to Tommy Dreamer on Xplosion.

-Matt Morgan- to stop talking so fast.

-Mick Foley- to stop wrestling because I'm starting to endanger to my health.

-Mickie James- to win the Knockouts championship and finally end Madison Rayne's interminable and ridiculously underwhelming run as the top woman in this company.

-Mike Tenay- to stop talking over the wrestlers when they're cutting promos.

-Motor City Machine Guns- to keep this ball rolling and continue the rise of the Machine Guns in 2011.

-Orlando Jordan- to turn myself over to the police and tell them that I must be imprisoned for the crime of being a no-talent loser.

-Ric Flair- to only wrestle when my match feels like a special occasion and to continue talking up the young talent because no one can do that better than the Nature Boy. Wooooo! Also, to never again be sandwiched in between Orlando Jordan and Rob Terry in a list like this for obvious reasons.

-Rob Terry- to stop embarrassing myself, quit wrestling and leave TNA with whatever small shred of dignity I have left, if any.

-Rob Van Dam- to learn how to cut promos that don't make me sound like a pothead.

-Robbie E- to find out who is the brain trust behind my Situation parody gimmick and punch them in the face.

-Samoa Joe- to find whatever dumbass thought it was a good idea to have me tap out to Jeff Jarret and crack their @#$%ing skull open with my bare hands.

-Sarita- to replace Madison Rayne as the top female heel in this company and win the Knockout singles title.

-Shark Boy- to get my action figure to outsell Sting's and Kevin Nash's. Shell yeah!

-SoCal Val- to wear that french maid outfit I wore on the Spin Cycle more often.

-Stevie Richards- to show Dixie Carter how I update my Health & Fitness column on regularly, and thus, work harder on our company's official website than the people who are actually paid to maintain it, convincing her to fire them and give me their job.

-Sting- to stop wasting Dixie Carter's money and stay retired this time.

-Tara- to never try to play a sympathetic babyface ever again because I'm much better suited to be a heel.

-Taz- to stop talking about pigeons so much.

-Tommy Dreamer- to cut at least one promo where I manage to keep my tears in my damn head.

-Velvet Sky- to stop trying to prove myself as a singles wrestler because we all know the real reason why I'm here and wrestling ain't it.

-Vince Russo- to have electrodes surgically attached to my testicles that will shock me until I lose all bladder control every time I book an unnecessary gimmick match.

-Winter- to stop teasing the fans and finally give them that on-screen kiss between me and Angelina, because everybody loves a little HLA**.

(*) The device that makes time travel possible.
(**) Hot Lesbian Action.

1 comment:

The Nicktator said...

I think Generation Me should just be happy if they never loose to Eric Young and Orlando Jordan in another match that isn't even good enough for Santino or Chavo.